Real Vampires Don't Wear Size Six Read online

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Dedication

  Acknowledgements

  One

  Two

  Three

  Four

  Five

  Six

  Seven

  Eight

  Nine

  Ten

  Eleven

  Twelve

  Thirteen

  Fourteen

  Fifteen

  Sixteen

  Seventeen

  Eighteen

  Teaser chapter

  Titles by Gerry Bartlett

  “Glory, Glory, hallelujah! I love this series!”

  —Kerrelyn Sparks, New York Times bestselling author of Vampire Mine

  Praise for

  Real Vampires Have More to Love

  “The Glory St. Clair series is, for me, fresh, fun and lighthearted. I’ll keep reading ’em as long as Gerry Bartlett keeps writing ’em.”

  —Romance Reviews Today

  “Each book is like coming home and catching up with old friends. These books are keepers.”

  —Night Owl Reviews (top pick)

  “If you are a fan of the paranormal genre and you like your vampire stories with healthy, heaping doses of humor and spice, I cannot recommend Real Vampires Have More to Love enough.”

  —TwoLips Reviews

  Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs

  “Laugh-out-loud fun . . . the story that sets up several interesting prospects for future Glory adventures. Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs has a reserved spot on my keeper shelf!”

  —Fresh Fiction

  “The chemistry between Glory and Jerry is explosive. But when you add in the secondary characters, the result is nonstop laughter! Gerry Bartlett brings Glory to life and deals with the problems we all face. There is a little something for every reader in this story: sex, laughter, romance and a surprise ending that leaves you wanting more.”

  —The Romance Readers Connection

  Real Vampires Don’t Diet

  “Fun and fast moving with lots of action.”

  —Romantic Times

  “An engaging urban fantasy filled with action and amusing chick-lit asides. Glory is terrific.”

  —Midwest Book Review

  “Provides the adventure and surprises fans have come to expect from this fun series, with more turmoil and temptation than ever.”

  —Darque Reviews

  “Another must-have. In her trademark witty voice, Gerry Bartlett adds another chapter to her highly entertaining series. What I love about these books is the lighter tone and humorous play on vampiric lore. Real Vampires Don’t Diet is honestly a tasty treat that’s sure to please even the most discerning palates.”

  —Romance Reviews Today

  Real Vampires Get Lucky

  “Let’s just say, if you know what’s good for you, then you’ll check out Real Vampires Get Lucky.”

  —Romance Reviews Today

  “Gerry Bartlett delivers another winner . . . Ms. Bartlett’s gift for humor, the bawdier the better, is evident throughout, and the different story lines are interwoven seamlessly to give the reader a thoroughly entertaining read. Fans, rejoice—this one’s a keeper!”

  —Fresh Fiction

  “A laugh-out-loud series. Ms. Bartlett puts a different spin on the vampire romance. Fast-paced with appealing characters you can fall in love with. It’s like visiting old friends.”

  —Night Owl Romance

  Real Vampires Live Large

  “Fans of lighthearted paranormal romps will enjoy Gerry Bartlett’s fun tale starring a heroine who has never forgiven Blade for biting her when she was bloated.”

  —Midwest Book Review

  “Gerry Bartlett has created a laugh-out-loud book that I couldn’t put down. Real Vampires Live Large is a winner.”

  —The Romance Readers Connection

  “Glory gives girl power a whole new meaning, especially in the undead way. What a fun read!”

  —All About Romance

  Real Vampires Have Curves

  “A sharp, sassy, sexy read. Gerry Bartlett creates a vampire to die for in this sizzling new series.”

  —Kimberly Raye, USA Today bestselling author of Sucker for Love

  “Hot and hilarious. Glory is Everywoman with fangs.”

  —Nina Bangs, New York Times bestselling author of Eternal Prey

  “Full-figured vampire Glory bursts from the page in this lively, fun and engaging spin on the vampire mythology.”

  —Julie Kenner, USA Today bestselling author of Turned

  “A sexy, smart and lively contemporary paranormal romance . . . The plot is engaging, the characters are stimulating (not to mention, so is the sex) and the writing is sharp. Glory St. Clair is . . . a breath of fresh air.”

  —Romance Reader at Heart

  “If you love Betsy from MaryJanice Davidson’s Undead series or Sookie from Charlaine Harris’s [Sookie Stackhouse novels], you’re gonna love Real Vampires Have Curves.”

  —A Romance Review

  Titles by Gerry Bartlett

  REAL VAMPIRES HAVE CURVES

  REAL VAMPIRES LIVE LARGE

  REAL VAMPIRES GET LUCKY

  REAL VAMPIRES DON’T DIET

  REAL VAMPIRES HATE THEIR THIGHS

  REAL VAMPIRES HAVE MORE TO LOVE

  REAL VAMPIRES DON’T WEAR SIZE SIX

  THE BERKLEY PUBLISHING GROUP

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

  Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario M4P 2Y3, Canada

  (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)

  Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

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  Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  This is an original publication of The Berkley Publishing Group.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

  Copyright © 2011 by Gerry Bartlett.

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

  BERKLEY® is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  The “B” design is a trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  PRINTING HISTORY

  Berkley trade paperback edition / August 2011

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Bartlett, Gerry.

  Real vampir
es don’t wear size six / Gerry Bartlett.—Berkley trade pbk. ed. p. cm.

  ISBN : 978-1-101-51742-0

  1. Saint Clair, Glory (Fictitious character)—Fiction. 2. Vampires—Fiction. I. Title.

  PS3602.A83945R424 2011

  813’.6—dc22

  2011014491

  http://us.penguingroup.com

  For Oliver and Pauline Bartlett.

  Thanks for your love and support.

  And Christian, of course!

  Acknowledgments

  It’s wonderful to have so many members on the Gerry Bartlett “team.” First, I have to thank my pitcher, my fab agent, Kimberly Whalen of Trident Media Group, who believed in this series from the beginning. Kim, you rock! My editor, Kate Seaver, is certainly an all-star. She and the fantastic crew at Berkley make sure that Glory St. Clair and her gang always hit a home run. From the great covers to the copyedits and Kate’s tweaks, I never worry that we missed something that will make my story the best it can be.

  Then there is the coaching staff: As always, my buds Nina Bangs and Donna Maloy are present every week to make sure I don’t let my story wander off into left field. Thanks, ladies, for making sure I stay on task and almost on time. I also have to thank Romance Writers of America and my two fabulous home chapters, Houston Bay Area and West Houston. The members are always there in the bleachers, cheering me on with support and encouragement.

  Last, but never least, are the fantastic readers who pick up my books and take the time to e-mail me. I love to hear from you on Facebook or at gerrybartlett.com. If I can make you laugh or even shed a tear, it has made the hours at the computer worth it. You can’t know how hearing from you lifts me. It makes me feel like I’ve won the World Series. Thanks so much for supporting Glory and her crew.

  One

  “The vampire council is all for running you out of town, Glory.” Damian frowned at me, for once not bothering to put on his sexy vibe.

  “No! Austin is my home now. I have friends, my business.” Could I be at any more of a disadvantage? I’d just stepped out of the shower when I’d heard that knock on the door. I’d hoped it was Blade, my boyfriend, who’d been sulking since we’d almost broken up recently. So I’d thrown on a robe and dashed to the door. Now I tightened the sash on my admittedly ratty robe and jerked off my shower cap.

  “That business is part of the problem, Glory. Vintage Vamp’s Emporium. You know we like for vampires to stay under the radar here, and then you name your little store something like that.” Damian Sabatini always made moves on a woman, even one without makeup and with bed head. The fact that he looked serious and was pacing around me like I was a piece of furniture worried me.

  “Vamps are also Roaring Twenties hotties, you know that. What’s up with these council members? Where’s their sense of humor?” I grabbed Damian’s sleeve. “Help me out here, Damian.”

  “I know what vamps are. I got lucky with quite a few, back in the day.” Damian smiled and suddenly snapped to the fact that I was naked under my robe. “And I did go to bat for you. Explained that my sister had painted that mural of a vampire on your wall as a joke.”

  “Flo did.” His sister, Florence da Vinci, is my best friend. She had spent a long lifetime admiring artists up close and personally. Her mural had caused a burst of publicity that had brought me business, but also some vampire rumors.

  Damian’s eyes gleamed in a way that reminded me his nickname was Casanova. Okay, I could use that. I locked the door and gestured to the couch. “Sit, talk to me. Tell me what I can do to fix this. You want a bottle of something?” I drink synthetic blood. I happened to have several different brands on hand for a change.

  “No, thanks.” Damian patted the seat next to him. “You flashed red eyes at Florence’s wedding. Several council members saw them. We all know what that means and it’s what really got the get-rid-of-Glory thing moving. We don’t tolerate demons in Austin.”

  “Yes, well, I was possessed. Past tense. And my temper got the best of me that night.” I collapsed next to Damian. He was a friend. We’d figured out a long time ago that we weren’t going to have a love connection. Or at least I’d figured that out. I plucked his hand off my knee where my robe had parted and smiled. “As I was saying, I had a demon on board, but she’s gone now. My friends arranged an intervention and Alesa went screaming back to hell. I’m all better now. Good as gold.”

  “I’m happy for you. But I’m not sure everyone on the council will be reassured. The best way to prove your goodness to the members would be an act of contrition. Do a favor, perhaps.” Damian leaned back and I realized he was trying to scope out my cleavage. They didn’t call him Casanova for nothing.

  There was a thump in the hall and I jumped up. “What was that? Is there someone out there?” I looked for a weapon and came up with my hot pink umbrella. Lame, but better than nothing. At least it had a point on it.

  “Relax. I have other tenants in this building, don’t I?” Damian put his hand on my shoulder and took the umbrella, leaning it against the wall. “You’re still on edge, I think. That brush with the demon obviously upset you.”

  “Of course it did! I was on the fast track to hell.” I sighed and plopped into the chair across from the couch. “How am I supposed to make the council happy? I am demon-free. Ask your sister. Flo and Richard came back from their honeymoon for just one night. They’re the ones who did the ceremony that got that demon out of me.”

  “That’s good, that you have reliable witnesses.” Damian sat and leaned forward.

  “Blade was here too. And Valdez.” I sighed. It had been quite a night. Everyone I loved. Who loved me. Jeremy Blade—Jerry—was the boyfriend and my sire, the vampire who’d turned me. Rafael Valdez was the shape-shifter who’d been my bodyguard until recently. I loved him too and we’d gotten close, too close for it not to hurt my relationship with Blade.

  “Glory, is Valdez still living here with you?” Damian looked around, like maybe Rafe would pop out of the back bedroom.

  “Quit reading my mind. And, no, he has his own place now.” I’d asked him to move out in hopes that would prove to Jerry that I was serious about making our relationship work again.

  “Then you have an extra bedroom and are living here all alone.” Damian stood and I jumped up.

  “Yes, but I don’t know what that has to do with you. You have a castle on a hill for crying out loud.” I freaked for a moment. I’d never been afraid of Damian but he was an ancient vampire and could overpower me without breaking a sweat. Of course he was usually a lover, not a fighter. He looked at me and smiled. Oops, should have blocked my thoughts. He was still reading them and liked what he’d heard.

  “Relax, Glory. I have a proposition for you, but it’s to help you get in good with the council. Nothing to do with lovemaking. Though if you want to pursue that thought . . .” He was close in a heartbeat and had his hand on my shoulder. “You smell fresh from your shower and full of that Bulgarian synthetic.” He smiled and showed fang. “Did you know it’s made with real blood?”

  “No. Make that a double no.” I straight-armed him, my hand on his broad chest. “What’s the proposition, Damian? The one not headed to my bedroom.”

  “Ah, Glory. Someday.” He backed off and lounged on the couch so casually that I was convinced he’d never meant me to take the pass seriously. “I have a young vampire, a fledgling. She was turned by a vamp who has been disciplined and is no longer with us.” Damian’s face grew hard and I was reminded that he could be a fighter when he wanted to be. “Anyway, she’s stuck now and not happy about it. I need to find a mentor for her and you’ve proved you can handle that job. Like you did for Israel Caine.”

  Another new vampire. I sat back in my chair. Yes, I’d mentored Ray—Israel Caine. But he’d been a rock star, my crush, and he still held a place in my heart. To take on some poor girl who’d been turned against her will . . . Well, it would definitely prove to the council that Glory was a good person, willing to sacrifice.
Because new vamps could be a pain in the butt. I sure didn’t want to leave Austin though.

  I had a thriving business where I sold antiques and vintage clothing. And I had friends who’d turned into the kind of extended family I’d always craved. Of course Jerry was here too. I had to stay to work on getting our relationship back on track.

  “I’ll do it. When do I meet her?”

  Damian grinned. “I knew you wouldn’t fail me. She’s right outside. I’m sure she made that noise you heard.” He got up, unlocked my door and opened it. “Come in, Penny.”

  I took one look at the scowling girl who strode into my apartment and knew I had my work cut out for me.

  “Glory, meet Penny Patterson.”

  “Hello, Penny.”

  Penny glared at me but I kept smiling, deciding anyone who’d been through what she had this week was entitled to a little attitude. Still, my sad-sack robe and wild hair were an aberration for me. I pride myself on never facing the public looking less than my best. This girl? She looked like she was the one who’d just rolled out of bed. Her bad makeup was worse than no makeup at all. And her hair needed a decent cut and a wash. Clearly some of this look was pre-fangs.